Tuesday, April 28, 2020

Day 24 A - Z Challenge X-haustive List

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X-hausitive List of Mood Swings

I have been known to be 'a little' OCD.  Hubs used to say I was CDO (ha!)  I think I am kinda flexible if I need to be. Honestly, I need to have order.

Burying my daughter was completely out of order.  I don't think I have ever cried (I still do) so deeply or intensely!!  I wanted to escape (I still do) just get on a boat and sail in the ocean.

It has been close to four months now.  My functioning is still somewhat impaired.  It is hard to absorb that my world has drastically changed. 

I felt and still feel:

1. I couldn't concentrate...Most days I was just existing and going through the day.  Everyday conversations were/are a blur.  Most days I feel like I am walking in quicksand. And I really don't care.

2. Guilty...I am still living and my precious daughter is not.  I feel guilty that I outlived her.

3.  Angry...I am angry that she is no longer with me.  Life isn't right anymore.

4. Bitterness...I live in the USA...what is wrong that our medical staff that they  could not save my daughter.

5.  Insomnia--I was just beginning to get some sleep; it had been a year since hub died and then...Now I am back to insomnia.  My mind is having a hard time shutting down.  I keep going back to that horrible morning.

I ask myself if I am going CRAZY or am I normal.  I have reached out to a friend who says this is normal.  Gee thanks...but will it ever end??  Which she has reassured me, some things will get better and to just give it some time.  I will see the rainbow again, might not be as bright as before, but I will see it.

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