A new start...A really new start.
"Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought it would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living." (Rachel Marie Martin) My future, the one I dreamed of and planned for, didn't come to fruition. The pain that I never wanted to experience, came without any warning. Because?? Life happens.
My daughter, Amanda, invited me to go with her to Pound. Pound is an exercise class using weighted drumsticks while pounding on a yoga mat. After Amanda's death, I was reluctant to go back to Pound. But one evening, I showed up. My mat took a beating...it was in shreds!! Later that evening when I got home, I felt guilty. Why? This was something she and I did together and I felt happy.
Exercising releases chemicals that make you feel happy and I did. I had nothing to feel guilty about; this was Satan trying to steal my joy.
My new start is really saying to myself that it is okay to have fun and laugh again.
When people see me out and about and I am laughing, I sense what they are thinking. How is she laughing/smiling? How is she even walking with all she has been through? Why hasn't she lost her mind?
Losing my husband to cancer, and the next year losing my daughter, the unimaginable loss, the pain is with me every second of everyday. The pain never leaves me alone, but I have come to realize I can be in pain and happy at the same time.
People are watching me through this journey and asking, How? When they ask (I am sure they will-just their look tells me), I have an answer. Jesus is my helper.
This new start, I am surviving with God's help every single day.