One Day...

" The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."  (Exodus 14:14)

I have tried to control so many things here lately. My 2021 word...Release...which mean to me 'let it go' ; is difficult but I am learning.  One way I have decided to Release is by writing my thoughts down and then Releasing them.

I need to explain why I chose this word.  In May of 2020, I was at my cousin's house on a Sunday afternoon. After eating, we were just sitting on the porch, enjoying the sunshine and conversing about the world.  My cousin mentioned an utility trailer hubs had purchased and was just asking what I was going to do with the trailer. My cousin has two boys and going four-wheeling is something they enjoy doing. It was decided I would sell my utility trailer (hub had purchased 3 years ago). 

Calling my hub's cousin, he told me about the utility trailer...purchase price (he was with hub when it was purchased). He also told me to make sure I give him the title. What? I didn't even know there was such a thing as a title to the utility trailer. But I found the title...thankfully. I called my cousin back and told him the price (which was way less than what hub purchased it for) but with family, I couldn't ask that huge amount. In the meantime, hub's cousin called me back and said if my cousin didn't want it, he would purchase it from me. My cousin said he wanted to buy it. I have no use for it because hub only purchased it for older  daughter (who passed away) to use in our town's parade which is held every September.

The following Monday, I went to measure the size of the utility trailer and to set the price. It was gone! Calling my brother-in-law in a frantic cause the trailer was kept inside a garage at daughter's pharmacy that only he, my son-in-law, and I had a key to; I thought it was stolen. My brother-in-law said the trailer was not stolen and began talking in a loud voice to me that I didn't need to sell it because my youngest  daughter and her son-in-law might need it. I called her to see if she and her husband wanted it.  Daughter told me that my step-son had called her the following Friday wanting to use it. Daughter explained to step-son that it wasn't theirs and he needed to call me.  Which he never did!  Daughter said she was not  getting involved that her uncle had been calling her about the utility trailer. I explained to daughter, I was just simply calling to see if her and hub wanted it before selling it. When going to my exercise class on Monday evening, I happen to glance over at brother-in-law's garage, (he had a garage close to step-son's work) there was the trailer. It had been put behind my brother-in-law's garage .I called my brother-in-law back explaining to him that I had sold the trailer and my cousin would be coming after it on Wednesday morning that I had seen it behind his garage.  Brother-in-law was again very loud and annoyed that I was selling it.

Wednesday morning before 8:00, my cousin came with the money, BUT my brother-in-law had put it in his garage!  The garage was locked and I tried calling him, but he wouldn't answer, and then I texted him no response.  I felt like a fool...selling something that was now locked up. 

On Sunday, I was still upset at church. Talking to my other son-in-law about what happened a friend kinda heard the conversation.  I was just in disbelief that my hub's (who passed away in 2018) brother would take something from me. 

My grandson (step-son's son) had been staying with me since March (when schools were closed). Having lost my hub in 2018 and oldest  daughter in 2020, my grandson kept me company and would make me laugh. I have raised grandson (that is another story) since he was one year old.  July 7, 2020 came and grandson did not show up. Grandson did call and explain that he could never come back out to my house because I accused his dad of stealing my utility trailer and I was talking about it all over town. What??  Grandson was crying and I cried all night for many weeks. During this pandemic, I only went to church (when the governor allowed) and that was it.  Doing on-line grocery pick up and walking in our park for exercise were what I did. Why would brother-in-law go and tell his nephew that I was talking about them all over town when I absolutely went no where!!

Suddenly in November, I had an epitome! I knew who told brother-in-law. It was the person who kinda came in on the conversation I was having at church with my deceased daughter's hub. The reason I knew this was all of her pictures she had posted when visiting his farm on Facebook. So I texted her, which she denied and said I need to let it go and apologize to brother-in-law.  She even called my youngest daughter saying she was worried about me. The utility trailer is no concern to me. Step-son would take grandson away from his father (while he was dying with cancer) so, I knew this was the reason.  Brother-in-law's only way to hurt me (which I think I have been hurt enough) was to make sure I didn't see grandson anymore. Yes, it hurts so much. I think about grandson daily and my heart  hurts. To think someone would use a child is unthinkable.  My prayer is that one day I can hug grandson again.

It is time to let it go.  I have held on to the lesson that no matter how you treat some people with love and kindness, they do not treat you the same. I have to accept what I cannot change. leave what isn't for you. I see this moment for what it is and I forgive brother-in-law and step-son.

I release!! 

I know that God is with me, leading me, and I have surrendered to His guidance. I need to only be still.  One day I will hold and hug grandson again!