April A-Z Challenge...Letter 'N'

 

                                      N

                                   New Start

A new start...A really new start.

"Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought it would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living." (Rachel Marie Martin)  My future, the one I dreamed of and planned for, didn't come to fruition.  The pain that I never wanted to experience, came without any warning.  Because??  Life happens.

My daughter, Amanda, invited me to go with her to Pound.  Pound is an exercise class using weighted drumsticks while pounding on a yoga mat.  After Amanda's death, I was reluctant to go back to Pound.  But one evening, I showed up.  My mat took a beating...it was in shreds!!  Later that evening when I got home, I felt guilty.  Why?  This was something she and I did together and I felt happy. 

Exercising releases chemicals that make you feel happy and I did.  I had nothing to feel guilty about; this was Satan trying to steal my joy.

My new start is really saying to myself that it is okay to have fun and laugh again.

When people see me out and about and I am laughing, I sense what they are thinking.  How is she laughing/smiling?  How is she even walking with all she has been through?  Why hasn't she lost her mind?

Losing my husband to cancer, and the next year losing my daughter, the unimaginable loss, the pain is with me every second of everyday.  The pain never leaves me alone, but I have come to realize I can be in pain and happy at the same time.

People are watching me through this journey and asking, How?  When they ask (I am sure they will-just their look tells me), I have an answer.  Jesus is my helper.

This new start, I am surviving with God's help every single day.

 

April A-Z Challenge...Letter 'M'

 

Halfway there!!

                                        M

                                             Moving Forward

Moving forward is requiring me to increase my faith.  In spite of my circumstances, I have to accept the cards I have been dealt.  Hard?  You betcha! at least for me.

I struggled with moving forward; I thought it meant forgetting.  But it doesn't.  To me, I decided what moving forward looks like which is:  I will grieve and feel the loss of my loved ones forever, I will always be reminded of them throughout my life, I will find my new normal and embrace it, and moving forward is honoring my husband and precious daughter by finding something beautiful in life and enjoying it.

By putting my faith and trust in God, I can do this.  There is purpose and meaning in life; I just have to take that first step of faith and move forward.

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Wednesday Hodgepodge

Thank you Joyce!! 1. What is something you currently find 'taxing'? I am dealing with a toxic situation. It is taking its toll on me but I am so thankful for friends that let me talk about this and cry on their shoulders. 2. I've seen this question asked in various forms on several social media sites...you can only keep three- coffee, jewelry, tacos, wine, books, dogs, chocolate, Netflix, make-up, leggings, cheese, cats Which three do you keep and how easy or hard was it for you to decide? Books because I love to read. I do own a Kindle but there is something about holding a book and I underline and make notes, Wine is used to calm me down and relax me, Coffee for my brain to function in the mornings and to get meenergized. 3. Tell us something you know or have learned about forgiveness? Forgiveness is hard (at least for me} especially when the offense is fresh. My prayers have been asking God to soften my heart so I can forgive them and I bless the persons who have committed the offense. Just because I forgive, doesn't mean I justify their behavior. Forgiveness releasesall bitterness I have toward them and gives me peace. Jesus was falsely accused of a crime and crucified. As he hung on the cross he said, "Father, forgive them for they don't know what they're doing. (Luke 23:34) God forgave ME! 4. What's something you'd recommend that is often overlooked and under appreciated? Bread ties...I bet you didn't think of that!!! Bread ties have many uses: put it on the end of tape (especially duct tape) and ta da!! you never have to try and get it started again, to keep cords separated, use as a book marker, to keep cords secure around appliances, and I have even used them for wine glass charmers. 5. Give us a favorite word that starts with letter K and tell us why this is the one you chose. K for Kindness.We all have had bad days, but when someone displays kindess my day is turned around. Kindness is a ripple effect...have you ever gone through a drive-thru and someone pays for your order? I have, and then I pay for the order behind me. This world would be a little better if we all showed kindness. So be the I in kindness. 6. Insert your own random thought here. A student asked me yesterday how many weeks we had left in this school year. When I looked at the calendar,I was amazed...only 5 weeks left after this week!! Gosh! it has been a trying year,but we are making it! Have a great rest of the week.

April A-Z Challenge...the letter 'L'

 

                                               L

                                    Letting Go

Letting go of the hurt people have caused is necessary for me to have a new beginning.

Letting go involves: 1. Quit wondering why I am the target.  I will probably never know but dwelling on it doesn't help and 2. I need to remember what a person says or their actions is really a reflection on them and not me. 

To begin to really enjoy life, I need to let go and quit dwelling on the hurt.  Many days and nights I spent agonizing over people and their actions which is/was completely out of my control.  Reaching out to them and trying was not working.  Some people one can't reason with and you just have to walk away.

Holding on to this hurt (with no remorse on their part), was only bringing me down.  Letting go of the hurt/pain opened up space for something better.  Does it still hurt?  Yes, but it will take time.  In my prayers, I pray for their soul and I forgive.  Forgiveness doesn't mean I justify their  behavior, but it releases the toxic person from me.

I am committed to not letting Satan (he works through people) steal my joy. 

April A-Z Challenge...Letter 'K'

 

                                             K

                                                   Keep On

This world, my life, with all the trials and tribulations make it so easy for me to throw in the towel.

To keep on this path, I need to keep my focus on God.  To keep on trusting his plan for my life and climbing that mountain.  There are so many days when my feet won't bulge but I make myself take that one step out of the valley.  Keep on pushing myself forward because I don't like staying in the valley of gloom and doom.

Keep on trudging and climbing this mountain one day/one minute at a time.  I may stop momentarily but will get back up.  Why?  I am trusting God there will be a light at the end of this tunnel...my new beginning.

April A-Z Challenge... Letter 'J'

 

                                          J

                                                   Journey

Mr. Webster defines journey as a passage from one place to another.  My grief journey will always be an on going journey.  Final destination will be when I see my loved ones again.

My passage is learning to live/adapt to this 'new normal'.  Each day will be new and different.  Some days I will be like a turtle that retracts my head back into my shell and other days I will be like a falcon.

This journey, new beginning, is rough, but I asking God to tightly hold my hand.  I want him to hold my hand because if I hold his I might let go. And when those days come that are too rough for me just pick me up and carry me.

God holds me in the palm of his hand as I journey through this new beginning.

April A- Z Challenge....Presenting the letter 'I'

 

                                                    I

                                              Inspire

My life has been completely shaken up, changed, and rearranged.  Thinking about a new beginning is  because of my painful ending.  I know I have to get out of this rut and begin to live; as much as I wanted the world to stop; it didn't.

Late one evening I began talking to myself and feeling down.  It is just me...so I really don't have anyone to encourage me.  I began thinking, What can I do?

Here are the things I have been doing:

Get out of the house!!!  I go to school (teach part-time), to church, and maybe to pick up something quick from the grocery store and that is about it.  These walls were caving in on me.  I began walking in the town park again...(it was hard walking by myself).  Even on cool days when it is too cool to walk at the park, I walk around my house.  Many times I stand in my driveway and watch traffic go by.  I contacted a friend and we had lunch one afternoon. 

I have never been a person who journals, but I began.  When I can't sleep (which is most nights) because my brain won't turn off (constantly on repeat), I start writing.  I write down everything I am thinking.  Just dump my brain.

My morning devotions have been a part of my routine for years.  I have been studying the book of Psalms.  Crying out to God and praising HIM each morning is how I begin my days.

I have always been a reader, but I always read for pleasure.  Now, I read about people who demonstrated huge amounts of faith in trying times while going through their own personal trials.  I ain't the only one, ya'll!!

Even though, there are some things I have started doing, I will praise God in this storm.  He is my inspiration as I begin my new beginning.