I cry, I pray, and I smile

Emotional Rollercoaster

and I want to off!!

Cancer is trying to steal my joy.

I cry, I pray,  I smile, and life goes on.....

Hub was asked to speak to Chilhowie's Basketball Team a couple of weeks ago.  It was Coaches Against Cancer Game.  I hate the word Cancer. Hub was nervous, but delighted that the coach asked him.  Hub and I arrived at the game earlier than normal. He wanted to prepare and look over his notes.  The time approached for his speech, and he tore up his notes and spoke from his heart.  After his speech, he sat down with me and was smiling.  The announcer asked for any spectators that has/had been affected by cancer to stand.  Hub stood and one player ran to his mom and hugged her and another player ran across the gym floor to hug hub.  Hub began crying and people behind me began crying. 

My heart was breaking....I try to be strong but my heart is breaking.  Hub is in the fight of his life for the second time.

Cancer is trying to steal our joy!

Hub had scans last Tuesday at Duke.  He had scans on November 7th and the report showed the tumors were shrinking.  Tears of joy flooded my heart and ran down my cheek.  The scans last week, weren't so good. More tumors were found in his liver, and the tumor on his stomach according to numbers had grown but was stable.  How can something be stable but the numbers change????  I have been feeding hubs healthy foods....very little red meat, a lot of green vegetables, a lot of sunflower seeds and almonds for snacks....all the good 'stuff' so how can this scan be not so good????? Again, I tell myself to be strong and not let hub see my worry face or any tears.  It was a long 4 hr drive home. We return to Duke next Tuesday to see the next step in this journey. My stomach hurts, my head hurts, and the tears fall.  An emotional roller coaster ride....and I want to stop at the top of the high and stay there! 

Cancer is trying to steal our joy.  Now in our life stage, when most people are enjoying their retirement, enjoying taking trips, smiling over their accomplishments of life, hub and I worry.  What is the next step?  What is cancer doing now to his body?  How long does hub have to live?  Why won't this cancer go away????

I am going to sub the remainder of the week for a friend.  I don't mind because I get to see

this special fellow..Nate. 

 Hub's son does not allow us to see him anymore.  I raised this young man from birth to now BUT now we don't see him.  When hub and I returned home from Duke last May, hub was still very weak....he had lost 70lbs in 4 weeks.  Nate asked to spend the night and I said he could but Hub's son, Todd, has another son, Camden (4yrs old) by another woman and he asked to spend the night.  I explained that taking care of hub (he was still sick at night) was hard and one boy could spend the night and the next night the other boy could spend the night. Todd, hub's son, replied it was a package deal and if both boys couldn't stay, than no one stayed.  So Todd does not allow us to see the boys. He has stolen joy from hub and my heart breaks. When I get a chance to sub, I go. Nate is happy to see me at school, and I get a hug and a smile.  Did Cancer rob us of seeing the boys? 

I have bought both boys their Valentine gifts.

I pray both boys will be safe, and they will always know how much hub and I love them.

Daughter and her little one, Blake, is doing great.  He is having some reflux issues and goes to the doctor today.  Daughter is very cautious with the flu epidemic which I admire her for her caution.  

My heart melts and smiles when she sends us pictures of him.  It seems he grows everyday. So far a brief moment, cancer isn't in my thoughts.

So today is my day to cry, to pray out to God, and to smile.  Life goes on. 

But I know this....

Have a great day.....

Enjoy Life